You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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