If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
