I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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