I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
