just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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