He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
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