dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
