Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
