I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
