just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
