i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
