I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
