i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
