Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You were trust falling into bushes
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
