I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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