I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
