Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
