mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just threw up on my dentist
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
