I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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