All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
COCAINE IS GR8
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
