I'm so fucking centered right now
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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