Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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