I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
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