also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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