I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
