i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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