I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
