The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I need to calm my uterus...
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
