Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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