I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
