i don't like sucking hair
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize