I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
