it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Randomize
