what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
