we have pet lesbian snakes
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The best revenge is premature balding
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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