just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
