if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
