i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
