god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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