I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
