I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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