Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
