I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
