His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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