I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
