he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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