I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
