I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
