tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Life without a bra equals bliss.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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