Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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