Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
