We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
